THE CHANGE

.

The change had its onset a few days back, but not the way I wanted it to be, revolution? Bring it on.

I still had an anger outburst in the morning, reasonable though it was, was controllable, is it right to assume that the words you say while angry give you a better look of the inside of your mind, I had never actually said something in my anger which I had not meant in reality, I always do, we always do, it’s just that those weird true thoughts are just to remain with us in our head only, and once we spill them out we just make lame excuses of not meaning them in real blah, who are we kidding?

Well the change I should explain is some degree of devotion to my obligatory prayers, some means only 4 for now, since I am still not afraid enough to wake up at 5 in the morning, so I make up for it through kaza, which I know won’t be sufficient for Jannat (Paradise Al Firdous to be exact) and I might have to do something quickly about it before it’s too late. I fear that this test God forbid might turn up like our school and university ones, where we study to pass just the day before. Since excellence could only be achieved through consistency, in here and the hereafter.

Here and the hereafter? To achieve jannat Al Firdous I believe we should not prioritize here over the hereafter. Just look at the hereafter and Allah surely will take care of the here. I read once that Hazrat Suleman was asked to choose between the kingdom and the knowledge, he chose knowledge and Allah gave him a kingdom such that never existed before and would never exist till the day of judgement, not to mention he also got immense and unbeatable knowledge.

So the main starting point for me is declaring jehad e akbar against my Nafs;

The faults in me I have to declare jehad-e-akbar  against;

1.       Not offering all prayers on time.

2.       Backbiting

3.       Making fun of peoples looks and faults behind their back with friend and family

4.       Finding faults with people, which aunty hides her age, which aunty hides their children’s age

5.       Finding some qualifications and degrees inferior

6.       Being jealous

7.       Think of food all the time

8.       Stop eating when half full

9.       Observe Silah Rehmi

10.   Thank Allah always

11.   Stop stalking people on facebook

12.   Stop using Facebook altogether.

This is just for now on. I’ll keep myself under strict observation…

Ignore me as much as you want, I am used to it now

 

A second away seemed like an eternity

Promises were so meaningful
Willing to give everything away
Gave indeed everything away

And what did I get in return?

Crudeness of behavior

I don’t deserve
Blames of never understanding
When deep inside you know who else would?

Love or lies?
Sheer deception
Been naïve
But never, to not understand the difference

May b you lost the attraction you once felt

I just don’t have the strength to row our boat alone anymore
Cannot revive myself to the older me
Without having the older you

In my quest to have you

I think I have lost you
Stranger you have become

Where does this change come from?

Seeing a side that I never thought was in your nature

Or my subconscious part was ignoring it all along
Brutalizing the vulnerable me
Cried all my share of the tears

I am just so tired

Believe me
The monotony I hated
Has become a routine

Ignore me now as much as you want
My brain is just too tired to process it all
My feelings for you increase with every second
Helpless I feel as a result
 
Unable to comprehend you anymore
I have resigned myself to the new you
Prayed every moment to have the ‘you’ I initially loved back
Futile they have always been

Ponder over what I have gone through for you just for a day

Is my request
You will understand the pain, the gain and then again the pain you are putting me through
I just want the peacefully colored picture of OUR life you once showed me, nothing more

Is that asking too much?

Delusion

I woke up early again, thanks to this another nightmare. Yes nightmares, they have always been an integral part of my entire existence, giving scary warnings as I always took them to be or now I think it may be the part in me that sets itself free when I am not controlling it, fear I guess is that small part, which gets dominant whenever it isn’t tightly in control of my ego or the desire of being entirely fearless, not giving a damn type but never actually succeeding in building in this trait in me, traits as I said; may be you are only born with them and can never imprint your soul with the chosen quality you want. This is all just so complicated, I am standing at a point in life where I am skeptical to such heights of insanity you cannot dream of, restless I get as a result of my madness of thinking everything to such depths that I tend to forget where I began from. I want to believe and lead life with the “life is simple” simplicity, but I cannot, and this I know has always resulted in trouble for me, my failure to make people understand me and my overconfidence at my ability to understand everything, wrong? I know I am L and there isn’t anything I can do about it or seek some help because you don’t know why I am thinking what I am thinking and those who do would definitely pretend not to understand, because like I told you I am highly confident of the ability to literally look in to your eyes and see through your soul, which you don’t like I know it and since it cannot Xerox your soul as an evidence you would just prefer to lie that I don’t understand and sigh its ok I don’t mind all your lies.  

But today waking up early might be the sleep clock shift since been getting up early from the past few days, forced myself to sleep for another 3 hours and now fatigued as hell.

I guess I didn’t make much sense; neither was I planning to at least today.

'little things you do for me, nobody else does, make me fee good....

little things you do for me making me smile like no one else can.....

thats why i like to sit next to you and hear your stories even when in know they are not true'

Intellect? Just for the name of it

 Not so long ago I had been a girl who used to wait for every political conference to be aired, loved keeping track of all the political moves and the parties, literally knew of every new announcement even before daddy comes to know of, loved defending my point of view from friends to teachers to anyone who cared to argue. Knew our politicians the scandals, had heroes, inspirations, burning hatred for the cheats the loots. It wasn’t limited to the country; national, international even had strong opinions pertaining to the morning show hosts, in short aspiring journalism.

And now a person who would only read fiction, Google funny articles and chitchat with friends on the new fashion trends and makeup, you can say from an intellect to just a down rite stupid and dumb girl, who got to know that Maya khan has been fired after 12 hours when a friend thought of bitching about the episode and was shocked to found out that I didn’t even know, the caring soul even forwarded me the link and damn I wasn’t even interested in opening it, who even cares who the crazy woman is after for the publicity stunt, she is too ‘paindu’ to grab my interest on the first place unless she catches me going against her new moral code of ethics.

Well the point is, I no longer care what the other is suffering from unless in affects me individually and I am not alone so you cannot blame me, why should I keep track of the bomb blasts and that another Swiss account scandal and get blood pressure over the tax refund I won’t be getting anyway. Staying updated sounds highly intellectual but not at the expense of the helpless feeling it gave me, you can say I have given up, I simply do not have the guts to go out change or even raise my voice, no one would listen, no one would support so why just why should I cry and have sleepless nights over the suffering of a young girl I cannot go out and help.

What I do instead now is; pray silently not for the individual who gives me sleepless nights but for every one, praying that they never get to bear what the ones before them did. And yes not knowing about the situation doesn’t affect the intensity of my prayers because deep down I am aware of what’s going on despite shutting my eyes to the world.

miss you?

I miss you, I miss you, I miss you
And it's not a burning desire to see you
This rain is giving me enough of your feel
Hugging me more with every droplet
Bringing you closer and closer
For a moment it doesn't matter
Whether you walk beside
Or we lay side by side
All I know for now that it has quenched my thirst
More than it has yours
And I take liberty to be selfish enough to say
I am more at ease than you are.

Forbidden

I am forbidden
And it entices you more
Taste of which would give a new dimension
To the fire already ablazed in you

I am not denying my thirst
Not even the level of ecstacy I derive from it
But knowing quenching it would only appease
What i have yearned to fuel from an eternity

Dont ask me why don't i love you back
It's really some thing i lack
Please don't blame me for something i dont have
It would only hurt you more than it already has
You blame me for being unfaithful
Ask yourself, did i ever commit?
Why do you even blame me for hurting you this bad
When you claimed you know me best
You say i should change
I tried
But honestly the will to do is another I lack.